Creed

My wife and I have just returned from a very nice holiday in Mallorca.  It's one of our regular holiday spots and a place where we know we will start to relax as soon as the flip-flops are unpacked.  As I sat on the beach overlooking the Mediterranean, listening to the new Boards of Canada album on the iPod, my mind turned to higher things.  I started to think about how I live my life and what lessons I would pass on, if asked.

I have outlined my creed in the 20 rules below.  This is not a definitive list and is likely to change once my Mediterranean horizons change back to the East Midlands, but please feel free to print a copy off to stick up in your kitchen with a fridge magnet.

1. Be nice to people.  It really is easier to be nice than to be horrible.  Plus, it feels good
2. Gossip is healthy, provided you don't break rule 1. Follow the principle of Alice Roosevelt Longworth, "If you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me"
3. Don't ridicule people's beliefs. Nobody knows what happens when we die and all the religions of the world are just guessing. I, for one, don't want to look a fool should the Great Lord Tharg return one day in a big spaceship to take us all back to our home planet. 
4. The human body, in all its shapes, sizes and colours, is a lovely thing. Don't bugger it up with tattoos
5. Don't trust BMW drivers. Nice, sane people go a bit funny as soon as they get behind the wheel of a BMW
6. Audi and VW Golf drivers are just bitter because they can't afford a BMW
7. Don't kill things for fun or convenience.  The wasp that you've just crushed could have been one of your ancestors (see rule 3).  And it's much easier to let it out the window rather than go through the palaver of cleaning up squashed wasp
8. There is no good music and no bad music, only music one does or does not like.  There is only one exception to this rule...
9. The Stereophonics are rubbish
10. Celebrate our culture of multi-ethnicities. Understanding people and how they tick makes us all better people
11. Ditto our culture of different sexualities
12. If you want to get ahead, get a hat.  And a well-fitting suit
13. If you want to look good and feel good eat good things, don't eat too much of it and exercise. It's that simple
14. Celebrate nature, it is a wonderful thing.  As I look at the world and the loveliness of nature, I'm tempted to believe that someone had a hand in all this.  The Great Lord Tharg did a pretty good job
15. The main reason children are badly behaved is because of their parents.  Children are not little adults, they need boundaries.  Letting them run riot, screaming while other people are trying to enjoy a pre-prandial cocktail overlooking the Mediterranean is not 'charming', it's bloody rude
16. Having said that, don't patronise children when you talk to them.  You can learn a lot from talking to a child and they can learn from you
17. Men over 50 should not wear band t-shirts. No...make that 40.
18. Ditto 'Budgie Smugglers'
19. Cherish your family while they are here.  When they've gone you can't get them back, so talk to them, learn about their past, love them and enjoy time with them while you can
20. Cherish your friends in the same way.  Keep in touch with those people that enrich your life. You'll miss them if you ever lose them

Stubborn

It has taken years of hard work and practice, but I think my family is almost there. There have been some setbacks along the way and a few naysayers who never believed it would ever happen, but, at last, we're reaching the pinnacle of our training programme.

All it needs now is for the International Olympics Committee to confirm that Stubbornness is a recognised event in Rio 2016 and we are confident that Team GB will be bringing home a clean sweep of medals in one event for the first time.

If anyone from my Dad's side of the family is reading this, I'm afraid you must forget immediately any prospect of a trip to Brazil.  It is my Mother's side of the family, the de Cani's, that should be practising their Portuguese and dusting off the skimpy swimsuits ready for the between-event downtime on Copacabana Beach.

There are plenty of medal contenders in our family.  My Auntie Joyce has showed great promise, but if I'm honest she lacks the consistency needed to get past the qualifiers.  My Uncle Rod is something of a dark horse, as I have not been able recently to assess his performance in training.  His wife assures me he is ready, however.  My sister, Helen,  is assured of a semi-final place, and at times shows the sort of application and dedication that could push her onto the podium.

One of our best hopes is my Mum.  Seasoned analysts are confident it will be at least a silver if we can convince her that it won't be too hot and she'll be able to get some 'proper' food and a copy of the Daily Telegraph.  The extent of Mum's dedication is illustrated by our weekly trip to The Third Circle of Hell (that reminds me, I still haven't heard back from Morrison's about my suggestion that they change their advertising strap-line).  No matter how big The Shopping List is, we still have to go up and down every aisle, still have to spend 20 minutes choosing the yoghurts and we still have to buy a bottle of sherry, even though she has more sherry in the cupboard than there is on the Morrison's shelf.  Any suggestion that we change the routine to finish more quickly is deftly batted aside.  There's dedication for you.

I love my Mum a great deal and she has found it very hard since my Dad died a couple of years' ago. I want to make her life as comfortable and as happy as I can and I know that I can do this with a few changes in her life, but she's in her mid-80s and is, understandably, reluctant to change.  This comes across as stubbornness, but I know it's simply because she wants to continue the life she had with my Dad as far as she can and is happy with the way things are.  I'm going to keep trying, however, and  eventually I'll succeed.  I know this because I am more stubborn than the rest of my family put together and I'm going to win a gold in 2016.