Funeral

My wife revealed to me recently that she has already decided on the format and content of her funeral.  Up until this point it hadn't occurred to me to plan how I would like to be dispatched, but the more I think of it, the more I think it's a good idea.

I'm still finalising a few of the details, but I thought I'd post a draft of my current thinking, just in case.

1. I should like a biodegradable coffin.  I want to be cremated, so something that could go in the recycling boxes would be preferable
2. I should like the funeral service to be in our local village church. I don't believe in God, but the building is beautiful
3. If it can be arranged, I'd like a New Orleans style procession from home to the church. If it can't, our friend Rob plays the clarinet so maybe he can walk at the front playing selections of his choice (not Stranger on the Shore please)
4. I should like our vicar, Tony, to preside over the funeral. He does a lovely funeral. The only condition is that there should be no mention of God or how richly I will be rewarded in the heavenly afterlife
5. I should like someone to arrange for three or four mysterious, attractive young women to be in the congregation. They should be wearing black, their faces covered by veils and cry quietly throughout the service
6. I have yet to decide on the exact music for the service, but I know I'd like Striggio's Ecce Beatum Lecum playing as friends arrive and Allegri's Miserere as the coffin leaves the church. No hymns, but the congregation should sing The Flaming Lips' Do You Realize?? at some point during the service
7. I have also yet to decide on readings.  There will probably be an extract from Brideshead Revisited and a poem from John Cooper Clarke (probably Twat or Readers' Wives)
8. I want to be cremated at Loughborough crematorium.  Only family and close friends should be there. If you're not sure if you're a close friend, drop me a line and I'll let you know
9. As the coffin goes through the curtain, I should like Vaughan Williams' Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis to be played
10. I'm not sure what to do with my ashes.  If I go before my wife, perhaps she could scatter them on Cocoa Island in the Maldives
11. The wake should be held at the village hall.  Cucumber sandwiches, cakes and scones should be served with tea (no alcohol). If the New Orleans band is there, they should play a few selections from the Treme soundtrack. If they're not, maybe Rob could play again whatever he played earlier.
12. I should like an obituary in The Guardian. If this can't be arranged a mention on the The Afterword website would be nice

That's about all that I can think of a the moment. I will give this more thought over the coming months and, rest assured, you'll be the first to be notified of any changes.